You know a made-for-tv movie is bad when a puca-shell-wearing muscle-bound Abercrombie model look-alike laughably delivers this line: "I can't believe you slipped a roofie in my girlfriend's drink!"
I'm speaking of CBS' "Spring Break: Shark Attack," which seems to count among its crew those unfortunate actors who did not make the cut for "The O.C." and, incidentally, one who did. This story, unlike "The O.C.," takes place in Florida, where, as one character warns, a man-made reef meant to attract snorkeling tourists will instead be an inviting home for hundreds of blood-hungry sharks.
But not a single goddamned person believes him until the sharks show up at a crowded beach and start eating drunk teenagers.
The best part of the movie comes after one idiot, in a moment of clarity, bottom-lines it for the rest of the cast and says: "We gotta lure 'em out to sea." So he, his girlfriend (the same one who was slipped a roofie), and the shark expert get in a motorboat and trail behind it a huge cage filled with bloody masses (I'm going to pass on the abortion joke tonight, but please feel free to add your own embellishments as the opportunities present themselves) that do indeed lure the sharks back out to sea. But, as luck would have it, something on the boat breaks and the only way to fix it is to go in the shark-infested water.
The scene: Hot boyfriend has been shot in the arm with a harpoon. By an angry shark. Or, he shot himself. Whatever. Either way, his bloody wound kept him from being the likely candidate for fixing the boat. So they send the girl in. They send the girl with a bloody wound comparable to Hot Boyfriend's in. I kept thinking "You're sending your girlfriend in the shark-infested water? Your girlfriend who could be on the rag and have a personal furry area that's bloodier than your goddamned shoulder?! What? Why don't you sacrifice the ugly shark expert?"
Unbelievable.
I didn't see the whole movie, so I probably shouldn't make any judgements based on the fifteen minutes I did see, but I'm pretty sure the previous 85 minutes were complete shit, too.
