Dear Mormon Missionary Guys,
So, uh, when you’re like walking around on campus with your white pressed shirts and your little black nametags and stuff, my fingers get itchy. Not itchy to, like, give you the finger or finger you or finger myself, but more like I’m fingering my cell phone pocket and I’m getting my cell phone out and I put the fucker on vibrate and then I pretend to talk to somebody on the phone so you won't talk to me.
I notice that you always travel in pairs and ask people if you can talk to them “for just a minute” about God and stuff. And, like, God is fun and everything, but why do you guys always approach only people who are walking by themselves? You never, ever approach couples or trios or groups. You always go for loners and then corner them with your Jesus Guys in Starchy Shirts routine.
I do have to admit that your church is wicked smart, though. When you join your church they tell you how important it is to have a good job and get educated and have a lot of money. Then they tell you that you have to tithe, handing over 10% of all your income. And then they tell you that to praise God and to make more righteous people that you should make lots of babies and then raise those babies to get good jobs and make money. And, like, as a former business student, I have to say that’s that smartest multi-level marketing scheme I’ve ever heard of. I gotta respect you for that.
But seriously, even with my respect for your cult status and all of that, I have to admit it: every time I see you I’ll keep getting that itchy finger for my cell phone and start saying something like, “Yeah, no, I’m just walking over the bridge. Yeah. I’ll be over for lunch. Is Kathy around? No? Good. She just isn't as full of Christ’s love as we are. Plus she was starting to get fat.”
