A Letter to Annette Benning

Dear Annette,

I just wanted to drop you a little note and commend you for holding your shit together Sunday night at the Oscars.

I saw your movie “Being Julia” and I have to say that I thought it was awesome. I’m not kidding. You were a total tour de force. I also saw “Million Dollar Baby” and I have to say that you had some serious competition from Oscar darling Hilary Swank. Everybody knew it was between you two.

You handled it really well when Hilary won again this year, especially considering that Hilary won the Oscar in 2000 when you were nominated for your performance in “American Beauty.” I would have been tempted to pull a Tonya Harding on Hilary’s ass and beat her knee with a tire iron until she let go of the eight-and-a-half-pound statuette.

Anyhow, love and kisses for your fabulous performances. Don’t give up yet, baby. There has to be some year when you can pry that thing out of Hilary’s hands. Your day is coming.

Always,
Josh

Escape to Manhattan: One

It happened during the middle of a media ethics class. I started to crack.

The professor, who made a habit of handing out reading assignments and paper topics as if it was the only class we had, made us do a group presentation on public relations disasters. After hours of mind-numbing discussions about Exxon Mobil oil spills and Tylenol poisoning scares and dozens of horrendous Power Point presentations, I started sweating. A lot. And I got dizzy. And a little faint.

I went home and my boyfriend asked if somebody had died. I wanted to cry. Menopause-style heat flashes seized my exhausted little body.

I had to get out. Immediately. Out of the city, out of the state—hell, maybe out of the country.

Eventually it became clear that I had two choices: either take a vacation and get out of town, or take a swan dive from the Washington Avenue Bridge on campus and plunge into the icy waters of the Mississippi where my body would float like Ophelia’s beneath the surface of the icy water (except I’d been doing a little overeating lately, so perhaps I’d just sink—who knows).

Okay, so perhaps that’s a bit dramatic, but the point is that I needed a vacation. Badly.

I called my friend, Christian, who is an actor in New York and has a great little apartment on the Upper East Side, one block off Central Park. “Christian,” I said, “I’m slowly going mad here in Minneapolis. I need to come visit and get some R&R.”

“Jordan, you know you’re welcome here anytime,” he said, laughing. “Really.”

I laughed, too, but my laugh was crazier, more like the laugh of a frazzled person coming undone. Without further deliberation I grabbed my Visa, called my travel agent, and booked a flight. A week later I was in New York.

Click here to continue reading this story.

(c)2005 Josh and Josh Are Rich & Famous

Oprah to Start Eating. Again.

Yesterday on the Oprah Show, Ms. Winfrey pierced her ears in front of her studio audience. Tomorrow, she'll start eating. Again. Most of the thirty-something women in the audience would probably watch Oprah do almost anything, including getting her ears pierced, but surely they secretly wish they had been invited to Oprah's Favorite Things show instead.

Josh K. Gets Active for the Arts

Today at 8 a.m. more than 700 supporters of the arts raided the capitol to talk with congressional leaders about stabilizing Minnesota arts funding. I totally met District 61 representatives Neva Walker and Karen Clark and they're both fabulous, female, and fun.

Meet the Cutest Goddamned Dog Ever

Could he be any cuter?

Sure, sure: he shits as often as your grandma (and, much like your grandma, he does it in the middle of the living room), but he's so goddamned cute and tiny that even his mini-poo is kind of endearing (unlike your grandma's messy Lincoln Logs).

Reeves Nominated for Best Actor in a Facially Dead Performance for 'Constantine', Academy Announces

HOLLYWOOD, Calif--There may be a little golden statue waiting for Keanu Reeves after his latest riveting performance in the noir action film "Constantine."

"It's awesome," Jordan Tinsdale, 17, said of Reeves' performance. "His face doesn't move at all for, like, the whole movie!"

Widespread rumors that Reeves had massive Botox performed on his face to dull his nerves to give the Oscar-worthy performance as Best Actor in a Facially Dead Performance have been categorically denied by Reeves's publicist, Paula Cornerworth.

"Keanu has never had Botox and never will," Cornerworth said Friday. "Keanu's acting talent is all his own. He doesn't need any botulism to spice up his acting chops. Not one drop."

The NAACP has been applauding the film for the casting of African American actor Djimon Hounsou as Papa Midnite in "Constantine." The NAACP said it does not find the character name Papa Midnite offensive "at all." They applauded the naming of characters to reflect the character's non-white identity and said adding nicknames like "Papa" or "Big Daddy" or "Pimp" before the character names would be moves in the "right direction."

If Reeves wins it will be his fifth win for Best Actor in Facially Dead Performance.

"I am very pleased to have my work recognized like this," Reeves said through his publicist. "It just goes to show that all of those acting lessons have truly paid off."

‘Dirrty’ Christina Getting Married, Hopes She Can Get Hubby on Cover of Magazines Like Britney Did for Kevin

NEW YORK—Christina Aguilera got a Valentine’s Day surprise when two-year boyfriend and music producer Jordan Bratman proposed marriage to the 24-year-old pop diva.

“My God, I couldn’t believe it!” Aguilera told the Associated Press Thursday. “I guess now that Britney is married I felt like it was time for me to be married, too, you know? It just felt like it was time.”

Aguilera’s staff has reportedly contacted Details magazine and expressed interest in having Bratman appear on the magazine's May cover.

“When he asked me to marry him I just started crying!” Aguilera said. “It just made me want to do a pole dance or sing that song I did for Disney’s ‘Mulan.’” Aguilera smiled and brushed a strand of curly blonde Marilyn Monroe hair out of her face. “I guess the whole thing just makes me feel like the genie is finally out of the bottle.”

Aguilera’s new album is due out late this year and, she says, the wedding will happen once the album is finished.

No word yet if Aguilera and Bratman will wear Juicy track suits after their wedding like Spears and Federline, but when the Associated Press called Juicy to inquire about possible track suit apparel for Aguilera’s nuptials a public relations officer simply giggled and said, “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Mall of America Expansion Expected to be Bigger Than Delta Burke's Ass

BLOOMINGTON, Minn.--On Tuesday real estate developer Nader Ghermezian announced a $1 billion addition to the Mall of America.

"We know the Mall is already 4 million square feet," Ghermezian said at a packed press conference held in Camp Snoopy, the Mall's theme park. "We just think that 8.2 million square feet has a nicer ring to it, you know?"

Ghermezian says the plans for the expansion include three more Gap department stores, another Victoria Secret, a casino that would be one of the largest in the state, an additional 800-room hotel, an airport, a car dealership, a grocery store, condos, two football fields, a university campus, a Catholic church, and an additional Hot Topic.

"We just think it would be really good for the economy," Ghermezian said. "Besides, haven't you always wanted to get the latest cotton tee from Gap and then take a quick swim and buy a car and meet your relatives at the airport and take a college course before buying your daughter a dog collar at Hot Topic on your way to St. Jesus Mary and Joseph's Catholic Church for a little communion chaser?" Ghermezian smiled as flashbulbs popped. "I know that I always need a little Jesus in my stomach after a hard day at the Mall."

Former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, resting at his family's ranch, said he likes the idea of the mall expansion.

"The only thing they're missing is a brothel," Ventura said. "If they're going to act like Vegas, they might as well get a brothel. And I will certainly be sure to invite Tim Pawlenty [the current Republican governor of Minnesota]," Ventura said, laughing. "At least then he could take a break from boning his 'nanny', right?"

Happy Valentine's Day

As a special Valentine's Day treat we bring to you, via Insane Films, Madge's audition for GayTV.

Weekly Round-up, V.2

Another busy week filled with two remarkable "firsts," ya'll:

1. Pre-Grammy/Post-Nuptual jitters for J.Lo! Likely headline: J.Lo's Ass Explodes; Entire Body Follows Suit. I could be wrong, of course, but what if I'm not? In any case, I'm returning the all-denim jumpsuit I bought just last week because of this photo:



2. I made my first attempt at knitting a hat!

Bush Tries to Strangle Vice President's Wife After Comments on Gay Marriage

WASHINGTON (AP)—George W. Bush, reportedly angered by comments made in a National Public Radio interview, tried to kill Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier this afternoon.

Reports indicate Bush stormed over to the vice presidential mansion screaming Lynne Cheney’s name, red in the face and "spitting a lot." Mrs. Cheney answered the door of her home and neighbors reported that Bush wrapped his hands around Cheney’s neck and started to “squeeze real tight.”

Cheney's comments to NPR to “Fresh Air” host Terry Gross on Wednesday revealed Cheney's lack of support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, even in the face of defying the president's wishes.

“I don’t support an amendment to the Constitution banning gay marriage,” Cheney told Gross. “I think it’s a matter that should be left to the states. As a conservative, I don’t support constitutional amendments generally unless the cause is clear and evident.”

Cheney reportedly was able to stop the angered throttling after she handed the president a small baggy that neighbors described as "a Ziploc baggy of powdered sugar or something."

Neighbors said after the president snorted the contents of the baggy that he calmed down and left the vice presidential mansion without further incident.

The White House refused to comment Friday.

'Desperate Housewives' Star Marcia Cross Insists She's Not A Lesbo, Okay, So Back The Hell Off

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif.—Last week a rumor circulated through Hollywood and the press that somebody on the ABC hit “Desperate Housewives” would come out of the closet on screen and perhaps off screen as well.

“But why did the suspicion hit me?” asked Marcia Cross, the actress who plays uptight housewife Bree, while having a drink at Beverly Hills restaurant The Ivy.

Cross ordered another martini and took a long drink. “I mean, why? What? Why me?” In one fell swoop Cross finished the martini and slammed it down on the bar. “Do I look like a lesbo?”

When Cross’s publicist, Tracy Gutlieb, tried to lead Cross from the table by her elbow Cross shook Gutlieb off.

“No, no, I’m not leaving yet! I want to know! I want to know!” Cross yelled. Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal, sitting at a nearby table asked Cross if they could help her.

“No you can’t help me you f**cking heterosexuals! Everybody knows you two bone each other all the time now that you’re back together. But what about me? Everybody thinks I want to go get it on with a goddamn vagina!”

Gutlieb smiled thinly. “Okay,” she said, “I think we’re out of here.” Gutlieb guided Cross out of The Ivy and into a waiting car.

“I’m not gay,” Cross mumbled again as Gutlieb pushed Cross into the backseat and shut the door.

An Open Letter to Apparently Suicidal North Korean Dictator Kim Jung Il

Hey Kim. How’ve you been, buddy?

Listen, I’m just wondering if you’ve been feeling depressed lately. Actually, let me just be frank: are you feeling suicidal? Do you want me to call somebody for you or anything?

Because telling the national community that you damn well have nuclear weapons and saying that you’re going to keep them until somebody pries them from your cold, dead hands is just absolutely a suicidal death wish.

We have a psychotic, coke-snorting cowboy in the White House and a Secretary of State who has ice water running through her veins who will spin the situation in speeches until the red states believe there is nothing more honorable than taking your ass out.

You’ve seen what has happened in Iraq. You see what our darling political leaders are brewing in Iran. Why do you insist on putting yourself next on the list?

Call me if you want to talk, okay? Any time. Maybe we can get you a shrink or something. Lexipro and Xanax have done a lot of good things for a lot of good people, you know?

Your Friend,
Josh H.

Prince Harry Glad Charles and Camilla Will Marry, Bone Each Other Within Sacred Bonds of Matrimony

LONDON (REUTERS)—Prince Harry is reportedly happy for his father, Prince Charles, after news of the pending nuptials between his father and longtime mistress and girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles.

“It’ll just be nice to have them screwing their brains out within the holy bonds of matrimony,” Harry said Thursday in an interview with the UK newspaper The Guardian.

If Charles becomes king Camilla will not be called queen, but instead ‘princess consort.’

Jennifer Aniston Has A New Boyfriend--It's Officially Splits for the Pitts

Actor Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston's new boyfriend

MINNEAPOLIS (AP)—When Melissa Pinkerton heard that Jennifer Aniston had a new boyfriend she dropped her cell phone and her latte on the sidewalk.

“I was totally in shock,” Pinkerton says. “I read that Life & Style Weekly and, like, Us Weekly were fighting over the rights to pictures of Jen and this guy hugging and kissing.” Pinkerton shook her head. “I just can’t believe it’s really over between her and Brad, you know?"

The guy hugging and kissing Jennifer Aniston in the photographs that sold for $15,000 at auction is none other than actor Vince Vaughn.

“Vince Vaughn?” Pinkerton shrieked. “I mean, you break up with Brad Pitt and then you date Vince Vaughn?”

Vaughn, seen above, has had principal roles in films including The Cell, Swingers, Zoolander, and most recently Anchorman.

“I’m sorry, but I saw Vince Vaughn in that movie The Cell with J. Lo or whatever, but come on!" Pinkerton sighed and let out a long breath. "Vince will never compare to Brad, you know? I'm sorry, but it's just the truth. Period."

Happy Birthday, Josh H!

Tonight I celebrated my birthday at Chino Latino with my friends Josh K., Brian, Lizz, Vanja, and Evan. I chowed down on tacos de tinga and noshed on potstickers before blowing out the candles on my happy birthday dessert. Afterward Josh K., Brian and I went to the Lagoon Theater to see the Oscar-nominated 'Sideways.'

It was a very happy birthday. :) May there be many more.

Lindsay Lohan's Breasts Hospitalized for Exhaustion After Overuse in Music Video

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (NEWSWIRE)—Lindsay Lohan’s breasts collapsed from exhaustion Monday as production on her music video "Over" wrapped in Los Angeles.

“Her breasts looked just exhausted,” said Laurie Redmon, a caterer on the set. “They had been hiked up for hours under all those lights and all that makeup and, you know, I heard they’d been out partying real late.” Redmon shook her head sadly. “After all the overtime they've been putting in lately the poor things just collapsed."

Lohan’s breasts were rushed to Los Angeles Municipal Hospital by ambulance where they are reportedly resting comfortably.

“We're happy to report that Ms. Lohan’s breasts should be back on their feet by the end of the week,” said Dr. Richard Vurti, a spokesman for the hospital. "They received CPR, oxygen, and an IV on the way to the hospital and started to perk up almost immediately, so the prognosis is good,“ Vurti explained.

Lohan’s video “Over” has Lohan playing a moody rock girl with a boyfriend whose father does not approve of their relationship. Part of the video takes place in a trailer in the woods where Lohan makes out with her boyfriend and then trashes the trailer.

“This is really a return to Lindsay’s roots,” says Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mother and manager. “I’m so very proud of my little girl.”

Condi Rice in London, Says She Will Conquer City and Makes Plans to ‘Take Over Goddamn Iran While I’m At It’

LONDON (AP)—Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice flew to London today on her first official foreign visit. Rice stepped off the plane in full military fatigues with a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth, a loaded AK-47 held delicately in her hands and a bandana tied neatly around her head.

“I plan on a very successful visit here in London today,” Rice said to reporters crowding around her as she made her way to a waiting limousine.

Rice hogtied British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife at their home on Downing Street, not far from Parliament.

“You bitches are next,” Rice yelled out the window in the direction of Parliament. “London is mine!”

Rice sat down for a quick interview while she loaded a shotgun.

“Yes, I do believe that Iran could use, uh, a little more democratization. And that’s why the President and I agree that maybe that should be our next step. I mean, we’re kind of finishing up in Iraq right now and we’re not quite as impressed with the body count as we thought we would be, so Iran was just sort of the next logical step.”

Josh H. and Josh K. Escape from Their Apartments for Adventure on the Town

Josh H (left) and Josh K (right) on the light rail

This afternoon Josh and I met at Barnes & Noble downtown and perused the magazine racks and new book releases. We boarded the light rail and rode it around town before ending up in Uptown. On a snack stop at Lund’s (a grocery store in Uptown) we reaffirmed our notion that it’s the best place in town to scope members of the same gender. Afterward we saw Pedro Almodovar’s “Bad Education” at the Uptown Theater. We both agreed that it was good, but not as good as Almodovar’s “All About My Mother.”

Gay Couple Holds Marathon Make Out Session While (Not) Watching President Clown's State of the Union Address

(left to right) Casey Westering, 22, and Chad Richardson, 24, make out Wednesday night in protest of President Clown’s nationally televised speech

ST. LOUIS PARK, Minn. (J&J)--Casey Westering and Chad Richardson have been stockpiling lip balm all week in preparation for President Bush’s State of the Union Address.

“We turned the speech on tonight just as it started,” Westering said, “and the second Bush's lips started moving I just leaned over to Chad and started kissing him.”

The passionate kiss continued for more than an hour as Bush droned on about bankrupting Social Security for future generations, banning abortion, creating further tax cuts for the wealthy, and banning gay marriage.

Richardson says that the only time he and Westering weren’t kissing during the speech was when they were laughing.

“After tonight's speech he really should get an Emmy for best comedy performance,” Richardson says, cracking up all over again.

Westering says he’s proud of the protest he held with his boyfriend. "We couldn’t really get time off of work to fly out to D.C. and protest outside the Capitol, so I guess this was just our small way of fighting all that hate with a little lovin'.”

Local Man Calls Best Friend Immediately After Finding Ex-Boyfriend On Porn Site

MINNEAPOLIS--When Josh H. first opened the web page he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.

“I didn’t think it was him at first,” Josh said, laughing. “I just squinted and tried to blow up the picture to get a better look. I called my best friend right away and made him click onto the site and he said, ‘Yep, that’s him.’ And then we both just sat there and laughed for about fifteen minutes.”

Josh dated the ex-boyfriend in question two summers ago, long before his ex became a porn star.

“On our first date we kayaked around Lake of the Isles,” Josh reports. “He was just the sweetest guy and he was some sort of biological sciences major—like, real cute but kind of bookish and dorky, but in a good way.”

Their chemistry petered out a few weeks later and the two lost track until Josh saw him on the adult web site.

“I guess there’s, like, a lot of porn on the Internet,” Josh says, laughing. “So it’s probably just a matter of time until you see somebody you know.”

Gay Guy Leaves Tom Brady Voicemail in Hopes of Snagging a Dinner Date for Best Friend

“Hi Tom, this is Josh H. calling you on Tuesday. It’s about eight o’clock—yeah, about eight—and, uh, well, I was just wondering if I could ask you a little favor.

Listen, that girlfriend of yours—I’m sure she’s really nice, even if her IQ does match her bra size, but I just wanted to tell you that there’s this really good guy named Josh K. who lives in Minneapolis who would really like to have dinner with you and, you know, maybe snuggle up with you back at your place in New England.

He really appreciates the snug fit of your football pants and he loves the little black stuff you put under your eyes so you can see through the glare on game days, or whatever and I just—I just think you should give him a chance. You know?

Okay, uh, you can call me back at this number if you want. I’m sure you have Caller ID, so… If the answer is yes and you want to have dinner with Josh K.—I know it’s busy this week with the Superbowl and all—but maybe you could look into the camera during a pre-game or post-game interview and just say, ‘And by the way, Hello to Josh K. in Minneapolis.’

Okay, well, I won’t take any more of your time then. I’ll be watching on Sunday and, well, I’m sure Josh will be, too. We’re rooting for you.”

Family Trip to Disney World Falls Through After Dad Loses Job--Son Timmy Not Impressed By Visit to Disney Store at Local Mall Instead

The Grayson family, pictured above two weeks before Mr. Grayson lost his job at the factory, was looking forward to their upcoming trip to Orlando. Said Timmy, 6 (pictured right):

"Momma said we were goin' cuz Mickey's waitin' for us. She said she sent him a letter and said we're real excited and we got our shorts all packed up and stuff and now Momma says the only way we're goin' is if she started hookin' on the streets again but I don't know if Daddy liked that too much because he took away her Aquanet and lipstick and hid it in the basement and I know Mommy hates the basement."

Mrs. Grayson, seated nearby, laughed uncomfortably. "Oh, Timmy," she said through her teeth, "Mommy was kidding. Besides, Daddy didn't hide Aquanet from Mommy. How do you think I got my bangs to look so nice this morning, Timmy? Timmy, doesn't Mommy look nice? Daddy didn't hide Mommy's Aquanet, did you Daddy?"

Mrs. Grayson looked over her shoulder at Mr. Grayson, seated at the kitchen table and staring out the window.

Later, Timmy confessed that he is not very impressed by his parents' plan to visit the Disney Store at the North Hills Mall instead, but he concedes that he is excited to stop at the Dairy Queen on the way. "Mommy loves to stop at the Dairy Queen on the way to the mall because she says she needs something cold to eat before walking around so much but I don't know about that because she likes to get ice cream on the way home, too, but then she says she likes to cool down after getting so worked up but she never really walks very much anyway because a real fat lady fell on Mommy's leg at the rollerskating rink in Coon Rapids when Mommy was rounding a corner and now her ankle hurts but she says it was worth it because she got to rollerskate to Pat Benatar."

A Note to First Lady Robot After Her Appearance Today on Fox News

Dearest First Lady Robot,

I just wanted to thank you for your insightful comments about heart disease today in your interview with Carl Cameron on Fox News. I, too, think that wearing red this Friday to work will really advance the cause of fighting heart disease in America. I mean, women wearing red dresses and men wearing red ties to work this Friday is probably the most effective tool to really get the message to the American public that they should visit the doctor yearly, try and get daily exercise, and eat a more balanced, less fatty diet in order to take care of their heart.

And what you said about American women is so true. If American women could just start changing their lives then the lives of their families would change, too. Because, you know, all the American women out there are cooking every goddamn meal and doing all the grocery shopping and slaving away, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. (“Honey, you don’t need a new watch for your birthday. There’s a clock right there on the stove.”) You’re a feminist inspiration to us all. I can’t believe NOW didn’t give you the Woman of the Year award. Forget that little hussy Gloria Steinem. What does she know, anyway?

I really wanted to congratulate you on staying on message during your interview. Granted, Carl Cameron was lobbing you softball questions like you were a toddler in the Special Olympics, but you did a great job of parroting your husband’s ideals on voting in Iraq and Social Security like a real pro.

I was surprised at how Southern you sound, though. Your drawl is rather pronounced, isn’t it? Oh, but never mind that. It was kind of distracting, though, when you were talking and your have all those lines coming up from your lips. Is that from your years and years as a smoker? I sure am glad you quit. It’s better for your heart and lungs and stuff.

Breathlessly Waiting to Wear Red on Friday,
Josh H.

An Open Letter to the Mormon Missionaries on the U of M Campus

Dear Mormon Missionary Guys,

So, uh, when you’re like walking around on campus with your white pressed shirts and your little black nametags and stuff, my fingers get itchy. Not itchy to, like, give you the finger or finger you or finger myself, but more like I’m fingering my cell phone pocket and I’m getting my cell phone out and I put the fucker on vibrate and then I pretend to talk to somebody on the phone so you won't talk to me.

I notice that you always travel in pairs and ask people if you can talk to them “for just a minute” about God and stuff. And, like, God is fun and everything, but why do you guys always approach only people who are walking by themselves? You never, ever approach couples or trios or groups. You always go for loners and then corner them with your Jesus Guys in Starchy Shirts routine.

I do have to admit that your church is wicked smart, though. When you join your church they tell you how important it is to have a good job and get educated and have a lot of money. Then they tell you that you have to tithe, handing over 10% of all your income. And then they tell you that to praise God and to make more righteous people that you should make lots of babies and then raise those babies to get good jobs and make money. And, like, as a former business student, I have to say that’s that smartest multi-level marketing scheme I’ve ever heard of. I gotta respect you for that.

But seriously, even with my respect for your cult status and all of that, I have to admit it: every time I see you I’ll keep getting that itchy finger for my cell phone and start saying something like, “Yeah, no, I’m just walking over the bridge. Yeah. I’ll be over for lunch. Is Kathy around? No? Good. She just isn't as full of Christ’s love as we are. Plus she was starting to get fat.”