An Open Letter to the Homeless Man Who Asked Me For Change On My Way Home From Target Where I Spent $15 On Carbohydrates

I lied. I really did have a minute and some change to spare. I apologize.

A Get Well Note to Hillary Clinton

Hey, so, I saw the picture of you when you fainted today at that chamber of commerce luncheon. I’m glad that your Secret Service guys picked you up before you took a swan dive into the crowd of commerce people or whatever.

Really, though, I have to confess that I was hoping you were maybe fainting from exhaustion after, like, banging a hot male intern senseless. Seriously! I mean, after your husband played hide-the-cigar in the Oval Office and then started racking up dry cleaning bills for his spills and stuff—well, I guess I’m just trying to say that I hope you’re having a little fun of your own, if you know what I mean. I know that none of us would hold it against you.

P.S. Hey to Bill and Chelsea!

With sincerest wishes,
Josh H.

An E-Mail to Britney Spears Re: Her Husband's Cover Shoot for Details Magazine

Dear Brit,

I just wanted to send you and e-mail to tell you I think it’s way cool that you arranged for your husband, Kevin Federline Spears, to be on the new cover of Details magazine. I think it’s so awesome that you directed the photo shoot while holding your little yap dog, Bibit, in your arms. (Don’t they make the cutest little poops you’ve ever seen?)

Anyway, I just think it’s so mean that everybody calls him a man skank all the time and how they always talk about how he’s perpetually in a wife beater and wearing huge formless jeans and dangling a cigarette precariously from his lips. So what if he wants to be comfortable? Maybe he’s just being faithful to his roots and heritage, you know?

I’m so glad that you don’t feel guilty about taking Federline from his girlfriend, Char, when she was ready to give birth to their child. I mean, Char is all dried up. Who watched “Moesha” anyway? I think you’ll find that step-moms nowadays have more fun, especially since you can outspend Char-Char 5,000:1. Those are good odds, even in Vegas.

But anyhow, good job getting your husband on magazine covers and stuff. I hear he used to be a model before he got famous as your husband, but maybe could you talk to him about shaving so we could see more of his face?

Anxiously Awaiting the Next Details Magazine,
Josh H.

Screw the Electoral College--Let's Vote Like the Iraqis

So the Iraqis did that whole voting thing this weekend.

But my question is this: Why the f*ck don’t we have a voting system like Iraq’s? I refer, of course, to the fact that Iraq does not have any kind of bullshit electoral college. In Iraq, when they vote for a candidate, the popular vote wins the candidate the election. There is no mumbo-jumbo with split electoral votes and changing populations that change electoral values or anything like that.

If our system in the United States was as simple as the Iraqi system, George W. Bush would not have been elected—not in 2000, and not in 2004.

Weekly Round-up, V.1

Inspired by the work of the always hilarious duo Dave & Meghan on their shared weblog "Meghan y Dave", my good friend Josh H and I decided to take a crackpot shot at the same type of hilarity with our own aptly titled weblog "Josh and Josh Are Rich & Famous." Though neither Josh H nor I are rich & famous, we like to think that we should be.

Also, we'd like to thank Jesus Christ for his good faith in us after a rather upsetting series of events left him as hung as a Clydesdale. Any day now he'll stop making movies and start tending to the needs of non-white non-American non-Christians who do not have the luxury of being the son of the most powerful being ever but who have, incidently, been spared the pain of being a neighbor to one of the 59,000,000 Americans who voted for the second most powerful being, President Clown, pictured below, who recently dressed up for Condi's confirmation as secretary of state.



So it is with great pride that I (we) welcome you to our humble weblog. Go ahead--make yourself at home.

Angelina Goes for Sharon Stone's Weave

Yesterday, in a moment of celebrity grandstanding, Sharon Stone raised $1 million in five minutes with a plea to wealthy businessmen attending a conference on poverty at a resort in Switzerland. (Must be rough having a meeting about world poverty at a resort in Switzerland.) Stone stood up during the middle of the meeting and proclaimed she would donate $10,000 and challenged others in the room to stand up and donate. Quietly and steadily, many of them did.

But today Angelina Jolie had a little press conference and talked about the damage a celebrity could do, speaking of course in general terms, if they hopped into the cause and weren’t in it for the long haul. (Snap!) Jolie, who is 29 and has been working for the cause for the last four years, donates one-third of her earnings to charity.

In the press conference Jolie said she finds her work as an actress dull compared to working on humanitarian causes and hasn’t made a movie since last year’s “Alexander.” While she toured the devastation in Sudan, an “Esquire” poll named Jolie the sexiest woman in the world.

In a celebrity scalping match between Sharon and Angelina, who do you think would end up with the pelt? My money is on Ms. Angelina.

Jenna Jameson Wants to Moan on Your Cell Phone

Porn queen Jenna Jameson is now selling a ring tone of her moaning and groaning. I think if you set your ringer volume on high and put your phone on vibrate this could be a good way to spend a quiet evening at home. Just wrap the thing up in latex, though, m’kay?

Jackson's Gay & Straight Porno Stash Admitted as Evidence

Fifty print and video items of gay and straight “adult” nature have been ruled admissable by Judge Rodney Melville in the case against Michael Jackson. One of the items includes fingerprints of both Jackson and his young accuser. The porno stash purportedly also contains “adult” images of models who may be 18, but appear much younger, the prosecutor said.

The judge has forbidden the prosecution from calling the seized items pornography, erotic, or obscene; instead the judge has instructed the prosecution to refer to the items as “adult” or “sexually explicit.”

I’m just trying to imagine what an “adult, sexually explicit” image would be if it wasn’t also pornographic or erotic. Any takers? Perhaps Black’s Law should be consulted. They always have such great illustrations.

Tara Reid is a Brainy Anthropologist

Remember last week when Tara Reid was around town and her boob popped out of her dress? Well, she was back around town this week for the premier of her new movie “Alone in the Dark” in which she plays a brainy anthropologist. Rumor has it that her co-star Steven Dorff (of “Blade” fame) didn’t show up to the premiere because he was afraid to be associated with the movie which has received unbelievably bad reviews. (The New York Post gave the movie zero stars.) I, for one, am astonished—astonished!—that a Tara Reid movie could get ZERO stars. I mean, after her performances in “Body Shots” and “Urban Legend” I woulda thought the bitch would have an Academy Award by now, especially after portraying a brainy anthropologist in this last one, you know?

Jeers & Cheers: "Willy Wonka" and J. Lo

This summer Johnny Depp stars in Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” a remake of the 1971 children’s classic “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.” (Remember when Tim and Johnny made “Edward Scissorhands”? That was all the way before Winona found Vicodin and starred in some candid camera shoplifting movies at Sak’s.) Anyhow, the trailer makes the movie seem horrifically bad. The movie looks like it’s coming down off a wicked two-month meth binge and even Johnny Depp’s performance seems crappy. And the new title didn't help it. Bummer, huh?

In other video news—and I can hardly believe I’m saying this—Jennifer Lopez’s new music video “Get Right” is actually worth a viewing. The song is fine (even though the saxophone loop can get a little grating) but the music video presents some of Lopez’s best acting since 1998’s “Out of Sight” with George Clooney. Lopez plays several different characters—two Latina homegirls, a DJ with a ‘fro with a cute little sister, a waitress, a go-go girl, a diva, and a goodie-two-shoes patron. Check it out.

Josh K Eats Pizza Like a Hoover

So this is something you learn about Josh K: the fucker snarfs down pizza at speeds that you cannot possibly imagine. You think I am kidding or perhaps exaggerating; I am not.

Josh and I were at my friend Brian’s for a pizza-wine-and-movie bash and Josh hadn’t eaten that afternoon. When the pizza arrived Brian and I dug into the pizza casually and kept watching the movie. Brian and I looked over at the pizza box after we’d finished our first piece and—dear Jesus in Heaven—Josh had finished FOUR. Gone. Like a fucking Hoover.

Josh is great. So is pizza. But if you get the two of them in a room together, make sure to stake your claim on a slice first ‘cause there’s no guarantee you’ll see any of it otherwise.

Gastof's in North East

Having the time of our lives sipping soda from a mug at Gastof's, a German polka bar in NE Minneapolis.

Is the New York Times Afraid of Gay Marriage?

My dirty little secret is that Section 9 is my favorite section of the Sunday New York Times. I feel bad skipping past the “Week in Review” section and the forty-inch story about water quality in Bahrain. But really, the most important section of the Sunday Times is waiting: the ”Weddings & Celebrations” spread at the end of the Sunday Styles section.

When the Times started printing same-sex announcements more than a year ago I got myself a Sunday subscription and found joy not only in jealously coveting the lives, marriages and pedigrees of the heterosexuals, but also the lives, marriages and pedigrees of the homosexuals.

But, alas, I pose an important question: Why are the gay couples almost never the featured couple in the wedding section? Every week some lucky straight couple gets selected by the Times to have a longer story written about them and a much larger picture printed. On the web site the picture becomes the banner photo for the entire wedding section.

Perhaps the Times is just playing it safe, thinking that the gays still don’t make good business sense. Heterosexuality still sells better than homosexuality. And that means that, sadly, gay couples are rarely featured items for celebration, even in the pages of the New York Times.

How to Impress Your Jock Boyfriend

Okay, so you know that hot jock guy you've been dating? Remember how you read in his Friendster profile that he likes to watch football and you maybe, sort of, kind of lied and told him that you like to watch football too? Remember how you know nothing about football?

No worries! Fox Sports has you bitches covered. Super Bowl Sunday is coming, after all, and we wouldn’t want to disappoint. In just ten easy steps you can make your jock boyfriend's pants stiffen with your pigskin knowledge and have him lusting after you in no time.

Forget Those Tsunami People--Bring on the Fireworks!

Hey, remember that one time that the city of Meadow Lake in Canada told the Red Cross they wanted their $30,000 donation back?

Initially Meadow Lake, pop. 5,000, wanted the $30,000 to go to help tsunami victims, but then their city council did a lot of coughing and recanting and said the measure to make the donation had passed "accidentally."

And where will they allocate the $30,000 once they get it back? Reportedly the funds will be earmarked for their fabulous Canadian centennial fireworks display.

Swedish Homos, Vanilla Ice, and Worms

So it seems that our Nordic brothas and sistahs are considering letting their homos get married. (Currently The Netherlands, Belgium, and Canada are the only countries that allow full same sex marriage rights.)

And did you know that Vanilla Ice's legal name is Robert Van Winkle? Doesn't that sound like the name of the neighborhood child molester? Check out his hideous mug shot and contemplate the issue of his bangs. Air sickness bags recommended.

Remember the Blaster Worm virus that shut down e-mail across the nation, caused $600,000 of damage at Microsoft and more than $1 million in damage nationwide? Remember how the kid who created the worm, Jeffrey Lee Parson, went to my high school? He was sentenced to 18 months in prison today for his 'lil worm adventures. Listen for this to be the hot gossip at Rocco Altobelli Minnetonka while housewives get their foil jobs done and cluck their tongues about how their Jimmy went to school with Jeffrey and what a shame the whole thing is.

Josh and Josh Chow Down at the Golden Arches

Josh H & Josh K have a burger! After all, this is what the rich and famous do.

Josh H Likes Red Ties

Josh K