An Open Letter to the Homeless Man Who Asked Me For Change On My Way Home From Target Where I Spent $15 On Carbohydrates

I lied. I really did have a minute and some change to spare. I apologize.

A Get Well Note to Hillary Clinton

Hey, so, I saw the picture of you when you fainted today at that chamber of commerce luncheon. I’m glad that your Secret Service guys picked you up before you took a swan dive into the crowd of commerce people or whatever.

Really, though, I have to confess that I was hoping you were maybe fainting from exhaustion after, like, banging a hot male intern senseless. Seriously! I mean, after your husband played hide-the-cigar in the Oval Office and then started racking up dry cleaning bills for his spills and stuff—well, I guess I’m just trying to say that I hope you’re having a little fun of your own, if you know what I mean. I know that none of us would hold it against you.

P.S. Hey to Bill and Chelsea!

With sincerest wishes,
Josh H.

An E-Mail to Britney Spears Re: Her Husband's Cover Shoot for Details Magazine

Dear Brit,

I just wanted to send you and e-mail to tell you I think it’s way cool that you arranged for your husband, Kevin Federline Spears, to be on the new cover of Details magazine. I think it’s so awesome that you directed the photo shoot while holding your little yap dog, Bibit, in your arms. (Don’t they make the cutest little poops you’ve ever seen?)

Anyway, I just think it’s so mean that everybody calls him a man skank all the time and how they always talk about how he’s perpetually in a wife beater and wearing huge formless jeans and dangling a cigarette precariously from his lips. So what if he wants to be comfortable? Maybe he’s just being faithful to his roots and heritage, you know?

I’m so glad that you don’t feel guilty about taking Federline from his girlfriend, Char, when she was ready to give birth to their child. I mean, Char is all dried up. Who watched “Moesha” anyway? I think you’ll find that step-moms nowadays have more fun, especially since you can outspend Char-Char 5,000:1. Those are good odds, even in Vegas.

But anyhow, good job getting your husband on magazine covers and stuff. I hear he used to be a model before he got famous as your husband, but maybe could you talk to him about shaving so we could see more of his face?

Anxiously Awaiting the Next Details Magazine,
Josh H.

Screw the Electoral College--Let's Vote Like the Iraqis

So the Iraqis did that whole voting thing this weekend.

But my question is this: Why the f*ck don’t we have a voting system like Iraq’s? I refer, of course, to the fact that Iraq does not have any kind of bullshit electoral college. In Iraq, when they vote for a candidate, the popular vote wins the candidate the election. There is no mumbo-jumbo with split electoral votes and changing populations that change electoral values or anything like that.

If our system in the United States was as simple as the Iraqi system, George W. Bush would not have been elected—not in 2000, and not in 2004.

Weekly Round-up, V.1

Inspired by the work of the always hilarious duo Dave & Meghan on their shared weblog "Meghan y Dave", my good friend Josh H and I decided to take a crackpot shot at the same type of hilarity with our own aptly titled weblog "Josh and Josh Are Rich & Famous." Though neither Josh H nor I are rich & famous, we like to think that we should be.

Also, we'd like to thank Jesus Christ for his good faith in us after a rather upsetting series of events left him as hung as a Clydesdale. Any day now he'll stop making movies and start tending to the needs of non-white non-American non-Christians who do not have the luxury of being the son of the most powerful being ever but who have, incidently, been spared the pain of being a neighbor to one of the 59,000,000 Americans who voted for the second most powerful being, President Clown, pictured below, who recently dressed up for Condi's confirmation as secretary of state.



So it is with great pride that I (we) welcome you to our humble weblog. Go ahead--make yourself at home.

Angelina Goes for Sharon Stone's Weave

Yesterday, in a moment of celebrity grandstanding, Sharon Stone raised $1 million in five minutes with a plea to wealthy businessmen attending a conference on poverty at a resort in Switzerland. (Must be rough having a meeting about world poverty at a resort in Switzerland.) Stone stood up during the middle of the meeting and proclaimed she would donate $10,000 and challenged others in the room to stand up and donate. Quietly and steadily, many of them did.

But today Angelina Jolie had a little press conference and talked about the damage a celebrity could do, speaking of course in general terms, if they hopped into the cause and weren’t in it for the long haul. (Snap!) Jolie, who is 29 and has been working for the cause for the last four years, donates one-third of her earnings to charity.

In the press conference Jolie said she finds her work as an actress dull compared to working on humanitarian causes and hasn’t made a movie since last year’s “Alexander.” While she toured the devastation in Sudan, an “Esquire” poll named Jolie the sexiest woman in the world.

In a celebrity scalping match between Sharon and Angelina, who do you think would end up with the pelt? My money is on Ms. Angelina.

Jenna Jameson Wants to Moan on Your Cell Phone

Porn queen Jenna Jameson is now selling a ring tone of her moaning and groaning. I think if you set your ringer volume on high and put your phone on vibrate this could be a good way to spend a quiet evening at home. Just wrap the thing up in latex, though, m’kay?

Jackson's Gay & Straight Porno Stash Admitted as Evidence

Fifty print and video items of gay and straight “adult” nature have been ruled admissable by Judge Rodney Melville in the case against Michael Jackson. One of the items includes fingerprints of both Jackson and his young accuser. The porno stash purportedly also contains “adult” images of models who may be 18, but appear much younger, the prosecutor said.

The judge has forbidden the prosecution from calling the seized items pornography, erotic, or obscene; instead the judge has instructed the prosecution to refer to the items as “adult” or “sexually explicit.”

I’m just trying to imagine what an “adult, sexually explicit” image would be if it wasn’t also pornographic or erotic. Any takers? Perhaps Black’s Law should be consulted. They always have such great illustrations.

Tara Reid is a Brainy Anthropologist

Remember last week when Tara Reid was around town and her boob popped out of her dress? Well, she was back around town this week for the premier of her new movie “Alone in the Dark” in which she plays a brainy anthropologist. Rumor has it that her co-star Steven Dorff (of “Blade” fame) didn’t show up to the premiere because he was afraid to be associated with the movie which has received unbelievably bad reviews. (The New York Post gave the movie zero stars.) I, for one, am astonished—astonished!—that a Tara Reid movie could get ZERO stars. I mean, after her performances in “Body Shots” and “Urban Legend” I woulda thought the bitch would have an Academy Award by now, especially after portraying a brainy anthropologist in this last one, you know?

Jeers & Cheers: "Willy Wonka" and J. Lo

This summer Johnny Depp stars in Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” a remake of the 1971 children’s classic “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.” (Remember when Tim and Johnny made “Edward Scissorhands”? That was all the way before Winona found Vicodin and starred in some candid camera shoplifting movies at Sak’s.) Anyhow, the trailer makes the movie seem horrifically bad. The movie looks like it’s coming down off a wicked two-month meth binge and even Johnny Depp’s performance seems crappy. And the new title didn't help it. Bummer, huh?

In other video news—and I can hardly believe I’m saying this—Jennifer Lopez’s new music video “Get Right” is actually worth a viewing. The song is fine (even though the saxophone loop can get a little grating) but the music video presents some of Lopez’s best acting since 1998’s “Out of Sight” with George Clooney. Lopez plays several different characters—two Latina homegirls, a DJ with a ‘fro with a cute little sister, a waitress, a go-go girl, a diva, and a goodie-two-shoes patron. Check it out.